His Grace outlines several areas of concern where his human servant can and must improve.
Office of His Grace, Buddy I
Quarterly Performance Review, Summer 2019 for Big Buddy, human servant in the king’s employ
Food:
Meal selection remains satisfactory. You are to be commended for serving a rotation of delicious yums, including turkey, chicken, salmon, beef, whitefish and occasionally more exotic dishes like duck.
Service itself could be improved: On one occasion dinner was served 82 seconds late, and on another occasion the meal was tardy by an unacceptable 113 seconds. That’s almost two minutes!
In addition, the King wishes to remind his servant that His Grace prefers when his servant mixes the pate up to soften it, shaping it in a neat pile in the center of the bowl.
Treat quality and variety are satisfactory. The frequency with which treats are dispensed, however, is not. We’ve mentioned this on your last 12 quarterly reports.
Sleeping situation:
Big Buddy performs an essential function, serving as His Grace’s mattress. There was a moment of concern earlier this summer when Big Buddy had lost several pounds upon returning from Japan, threatening the integrity of His Grace’s cushion, but after written reprimands and several bites, the weight was restored. See that it remains.
Litter box maintenance:
Satisfactory.
Toy selection:
Satisfactory. His Grace prefers Da Bird and the fishy wand toy. Also, he likes it when Big Buddy sprinkles treats in his cat tunnel. Those are always a delightful surprise.
Visitors:
There was one week when His Grace was forced to endure the presence of miniature humans, otherwise known as Big Buddy’s nieces. The miniature humans were well-behaved for the most part, although His Grace would remind Big Buddy to remind the miniature humans not to appropriate His Grace’s toys.
Overall evaluation: 6.5/10
His Grace feels that Big Buddy could improve his quarterly score by addressing areas of concern, especially the aforementioned treat frequency issue.
Should you give pine litter a try? Buddy investigates.
Big Buddy: Hey Bud, how’s it going in there?
Little Buddy: What the heck? [Head pops out of litter box flap] Get outta here! I’m trying to do my business in peace.
Big Buddy: But how’s the pine litter? People want to know.
Little Buddy: [Trills in irritation] People? What people?
Big Buddy: The people who read the blog. Your blog. Come on, you know this.
Little Buddy: [A sudden pause in the digging sound inside the litter box] You’re blogging about my pooping habits?!
Big Buddy: Well, yeah…
Little Buddy: To complete strangers? It’s a good thing no one reads your stupid blog.
Big Buddy: Actually it’s your blog, little guy. And people do read it. Last month it was more than three thousand, four hundred and…
Little Buddy: WHAT?!
Big Buddy: Yeah, dude. And they want to know how the pine litter is working out for you, so if you could just, you know, describe what…Ow! OUCH what the hell? Stop, stop! Don’t you dare…put those claws away, I’m not warning you ag…owww! You little…
As you can see, Buddy wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of me blogging about his business, but things eventually calmed down and I lifted the lid…
The good: Pine litter really absorbs cat eliminations of the liquid and solid kind, and does a good job neutralizing the scent. It might do a better job than your regular litter: At one point Buddy blew up the box, and while the smell wasn’t entirely absorbed by the pine, it was much less unpleasant than it usually is with scented litter.
It’s also better for the environment and can be purchased in bulk. That’s a win-win.
Finally, pine weighs considerably less than most other types of litter, which may appeal to cat servants who have difficulty lugging large bags.
The bad: Other cats might not take to it so readily. Buddy is unusually unperturbed by changes in litter, and although I try to remain consistent, I’ve tried several types. He doesn’t seem to mind. YMMV according to your cat’s habits and personality. If your cat is upset by the change, proceed gradually by mixing the pine with the original litter.
The main problem is the way the litter clumps, or doesn’t. You’re not going to get easily-scoopable clumps to leave your cat with a clean litter box, and litter scoops aren’t designed for pine. Instead you’ll have to dump most or all of it out and refill it. That’s not necessarily a terrible thing since you get more litter for the price, but you’ll need to keep a lot of it in your home and you’ll go through it quickly.
The verdict: Pine is probably a great solution for people whose cats aren’t picky about litter. It does a great job neutralizing odor. Others may find it requires too much maintenance and might be put off by the difficulties with clumping.
“Study finds dogs are more than twice as smart as cats,” the clickbait headline reads:
A study gives dog owners solid scientific evidence that dogs really are smarter than cats.
A study led by Vanderbilt University counted for the first time the number of neurons in the cerebral cortex of the brains of cats and dogs and found that dogs have more than twice as many neurons as cats.
The research found that dogs have about 530 million cortical neurons while cats have about 250 million. These neurons are the brain cells associated with thinking, planning and complex behavior, which are all considered hallmarks of intelligence.
That’s from a story published Aug. 30 on Local12.com, the website of a Cincinatti-area news station.
So what’s wrong with the story?
It’s dishonest: The study was conducted in 2017, but the Local12 story presents it as news in August of 2019.
It quotes the study’s lead author, giving the impression a reporter from Local12 spoke to her. That did not happen. The quotes were copied and pasted from the press release that originally announced the study two years ago.
It misinterprets the study’s results: Neither neuron count nor brain size — relative or absolute — are reliable indicators of intelligence.
This is what passes for news in 2019: Old, recycled content presented as new information, slapped together by a web producer who didn’t bother to read more than the study’s abstract.
It’s all about traffic and designing pieces of content ready-made for Facebook feeds.
But what about the central claim, that the number of neurons in an animal’s brain correlates to intelligence?
If that were true, we’d be living on a planet dominated not by humans, but by elephants: Earth’s largest terrestrial animal has some 260 billion neurons compared to an average of 100 billion for humans.
“Hear that, son? We have more neurons than humans!”
Research suggests the number of neurons in the cerebral cortex, as opposed to the entire brain, may be a better indicator of intelligence. Indeed, that’s what the study focuses on. The cerebral cortex is associated with higher cognitive functions. As you’d expect, humans have unusually high neuron counts in that region of the brain.
But by that measurement, humans aren’t at the top either.
If neuron density in the cerebral cortex was the primary indicator of intelligence, the long-finned pilot whale would reign supreme, and other types of whales and dolphins would rival humans.
Not only do pilot whales have twice as many cortical neurons as humans, their brains have much more surface area, which scientists once believed corresponded to intelligence.
“Actually we are the Earth’s smartest creatures according to cortical neuron count. Suck it!”
So if we’re keeping score, intelligence is not determined by:
The number of neurons in the brain
The number of neurons in the cerebral cortex
Brain size
Brain size relative to body mass
Brain surface area
Brain “folds”
At one time or another, each of those things was thought of as the way to measure smarts. So if none of those things are true markers of intelligence, what is?
That’s the million-dollar question. We don’t have an answer, which is why scientists conduct this kind of research in the first place.
Contrary to what the article claims, cortical neuron count does not provide “solid scientific evidence that dogs really are smarter than cats.”
But that doesn’t make for a clickable, shareable headline, does it?
In truth, we can’t even define what “more intelligent” really means because each species sees the world differently, and has different priorities to enable it to survive and thrive.
When we measure intelligence, we measure it on a human scale, according to how we humans see the world. That’s hardly an impartial way of evaluating the intelligence of animals with much different needs and ways of seeing the world, and it doesn’t yield many useful insights.
Keeping that in mind is particularly important when it comes to studying cats, who have their own agendas and priorities. Dogs are eager to please and obedient. Cats only listen when it suits them.
That doesn’t mean one is smarter than the other, it simply means they’re different
How does pine cat litter compare to clay and crystal? We’re about to find out…
I was at Trader Joe’s today when I saw pine litter sitting on the shelf.
Pine litter? Never heard of it before.
So I picked it up, read the package and thought pine didn’t sound so bad. Fresh pine definitely smells better than whatever perverse alchemy happens with crystal litter designed to overwhelm the olfactory senses with a vague air freshener scent.
But, I thought, it’s probably not a good idea to switch up cat litters on my Buddy, especially so suddenly. I put the bag back on the shelf.
Then again, Buddy has been remarkably tolerant of every different cat litter I’ve tried. He didn’t bat an eye when I switched from clay to crystal, or when I switch brands. I picked up the bag again.
So I bought the pine litter, brought it home and just filled the little guy’s litter box with it a few minutes ago.
Most pine litter looks like this.
Ruh roh! The pine pellets are big, much bigger than litter granules. And filling up the litter box took the entire bag. I’m worried. Is Bud gonna tolerate this? Will he take to it, or did I just condemn myself to scrubbing cat poop off the hardwood floors tomorrow morning?
I’d also forgotten to consider the fact that Bud likes to dig, dig, dig like he’s tunneling to China. It doesn’t look like he can do that with the pine.
On the plus side, the litter does smell like fresh cut wood, and that’s a definite improvement.
For now the king is sitting next to me on the couch. Nature will call before bed time, and I shall have my answer. Let’s hope it’s not poop on the floor.
Why the heck is it garnished in this photo? Who garnishes cat litter? Does this mean cats like to snack on this stuff too?
Buddy evaluates cat costumes so your kitty doesn’t have to suffer the indignity.
The past few days saw the publication of not one, but two near-identical clickbait lists of the “best” Halloween costumes for cats.
In August.
Yay for cheap sponsored posts, aka undisclosed advertising!
So in the spirit of Pain In The Bud, we’ll take cat costumes from each of those lists and run them by Buddy to learn what His Grace thinks of them, along with the retributive measures he’d take if I forced him to wear the costume.
Pizza Slice Pet Suit – 0/10
Buddy’s verdict: “It doesn’t even look like a pizza, and the toppings are all wrong. Who puts mushrooms and black olives on a pepperoni pie? I would poop in your shoe if you made me wear this.”
Princess Leia Buns Cat Costume – 0/10
Buddy’s verdict: “I’d straight up murder you in a way so creative I haven’t even thought of it yet. Don’t even think about it.”
Peacock Cat Costume – 0/10
Buddy’s verdict: “Why are humans obsessed with making us look like other animals? Would you want to be a peacock? I’d bite you and refuse to let go until you’re cured of any urge to peacock me.”
Wizard Hat for Cats – 6/10
Buddy’s verdict: “I put on my robe and wizard hat. This one’s actually not bad. It would make me look mysterious! I’ve always wanted to be a wizard with the power to open fridges and tin cans. Does it come in red?”
Red Riding Hood Cat Costume – 0/10
Buddy’s verdict: “Over the river and through the woods, to smother you in your sleep we go! Did you know humans can be ‘fixed’ too? I just read about it. Fascinating!”
Donald Trump Cat Costume – 3/10
Buddy’s verdict: “Suddenly I feel the urge to tweet. This is the number one cat costume in the world, okay folks? It really is terrific. Tremendous. The best costume you’ll ever see, okay? Just don’t make me wear it. If you’ve got a ginger tabby, though…”
Turkey Drumsticks Cat Costume – 7/10
Buddy’s verdict: “Okay, credit for the idea. Whoever made this costume knows the way to a Buddy’s heart. But it’s like bringing me up to the Thanksgiving table, allowing me to take a deep sniff of the magnificent bird, and then snatching me away from that turkey goodness before I can take a bite. A tease. Unless it comes with actual turkey, it’s a no-go.”
King Cat Costume – 7/10
Buddy’s verdict: “I feel like the intent was pure, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Not quite regal enough for me, is it? Your punishment would be to find something appropriately majestic for me, although I’m sure that would feel more like a privilege.”
Pain In The Bud 