Humans Are An Alien Invasive Species, New Study By Feline Science Institute Finds

Homo sapiens are an invasive species who do irreparable harm to the environment and other animals on an unprecedented scale, a new study by the Feline Science Institute has found.

The results prompted feline scientists to add homo sapiens, commonly known as humans, to a database of destructive and invasive animals maintained by the Academy of Scientific Studies.

Cat scientists have only just glimpsed the breadth of human-initiated impact on other animals, Dr. Oreo P. Yums, lead author of the newest research paper, told reporters.

“We found humans are astonishingly, almost indescribably destructive,” Yums said. “For instance, although they fret about birds, humans kill more than a billion of them a year just with their skyscrapers, which birds are prone to fly into due to their mirrored surfaces. Add in wind turbines, cell towers, power lines, habitat loss and slow die-offs due to chemicals, and by conservative estimates we’re talking about billions of birds killed by humans every year without even tallying active measures like hunting.”

Humans have killed off an estimated 70 percent of the world’s wildlife in the last 50 years alone and show no sign of stopping. Oceans are overfished, animals like pangolins and big cats are ruthlessly hunted to extinction to feed demand within the Chinese traditional medicine market, and human addiction to palm oil means the “two-legged demon monsters don’t even have sympathy for their fellow primates,” mewologist Charles Clawin said.

“In Borneo and Sumatra there are entire schools, filled to capacity, for critically endangered orangutan babies who were orphaned by human contractors clearing ancient jungles to make room for more palm oil plantations,” he said. “Often, the humans use industrial equipment to tear down trees while the orangutans are still in them. Other times, they dispatch the mothers with pistols, not realizing there are babies clinging to them.”

In Africa, where the elephant population has plummeted in the last century, more than 110,000 elephants have been slaughtered in the past 10 years alone for their tusks. The elongated incisors are used to make jewelry and piano keys, and items made from ivory have become a status symbol in China, where growing middle and upper classes seek to show off their wealth with luxuries.

In 2019, Chinese businesswoman Yang Felan, dubbed the “Ivory Queen,” was arrested and charged with smuggling $2.5 million worth of tusks from Tanzania to her home country. Yang, “a key link between poachers in East Africa and buyers in China for more than a decade,” was a respected businesswoman, investor, restaurateur and vice chairwoman of the China-Africa Business Council.

“Poachers continue to slaughter elephants and our big cat brothers and sisters,” said Luna Meowson, who tracks the illegal wildlife market for the University of Nappington. “Having extirpated tigers from virtually their entire range, poachers are turning to South America, where jaguar poaching increased 200 fold between 2015 and 2020. It never stops.”

Big Bruce the Lion Slayer
A human hunter poses victoriously after heroically slaying a lion (panthera leo) from atop his trusty steed, a mobility scooter, after a team of guides drove him around the bush in an air-conditioned SUV, then lured the animal directly into his line of sight. A female of the species, presumably his mate, looks on proudly.

Although the earliest details remain murky, fossil records show Homo sapiens first emerged in Africa about 200,000 years ago. The invasive species, which has a gestation period of about nine months, began rapidly breeding and immediately went to war with fellow members of the genus Homo.

After wiping out two-legged rivals including Homo neanderthalensis, Homo altaiensis, Homo denisova and Homo bodoensis, the victorious Homo sapiens set their eyes on other species. Throughout their history they’ve also proven remarkably adept at murdering themselves and continue to hone their skills.

“Those OG humans, they had to really work at slaughtering other species and extirpating wildlife,” said Chonkmatic the Magnificent, King of North American cats. “They didn’t have attack helicopters, stealth bombers, tanks, carrier battle groups, daisy cutters, artillery, mortars, phosphorous, napalm, biological weapons, or even small arms like rifles. In those days a pimply kid from Oklahoma sitting in an air-conditioned base in Virginia couldn’t wipe out an entire city 5,000 miles away by pressing a button ordering a drone to drop a nuke. They had to put some sweat into violence, you know?”

Breakthroughs in recent centuries have led to innovative and more convenient ways for Homo sapiens to author mass destruction and render entire sections of the Earth lifeless.

The species, known for its aptitude for tool-making in addition to eating ultra-processed foods and staring at screens, began with simple tools of destruction like the Mark I Spear, early bows and even torches. Over the centuries they innovated, coming up with clever and inventive new ways to inflict pain and end life until the advent of electricity, the industrial era and the brutally destructive war machines of modern times.

Human scientists have tried to obscure their species’ impact on wildlife and the planet by declaring species like felis catus “invasive” and “alien,” but even if cats are “guilty of grabbing a forbidden snack every now and then,” they don’t have the coordination, technology or will to carve up habitats, render entire swaths of the Earth uninhabitable with nuclear fallout, create Everest-size mountains of garbage, or effortlessly drive millions of species to extinction, Clawin said.

“They’re so good at it, they don’t even have to try,” he noted, pointing out human accidents or incidents of negligence like oil spills and chemical run-off into rivers. “We tend to think of humans out there with shotguns and rifles, cackling maniacally as they shoot anything that moves. And, sure, they do that, especially in places like Texas where the sight of any animal always prompts the question ‘Should we shoot it?’ But our research shows they can wipe out entire categories of fauna in their sleep. It’s remarkable.”

Additional reading: Polish institute classifies cats as alien invasive species

11 thoughts on “Humans Are An Alien Invasive Species, New Study By Feline Science Institute Finds”

  1. It’s obvious that this research was done by Buddy! Only an extremely intelligent and meowscled feline could arrive at these brilliant conclusions!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, Buddy says his huge meowscles aid blood flow to the brain, powering his already-formidable intellectual capabilities. All that thinking burns calories, which is why he must be routinely provided with delicious snacks. He’s a fine-tuned machine, obviously.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, if I were a fine lion in the prime of life I’d like a barely ambulatory mouthbreather to kill me. People like him make me proud to be human. /s/s/s

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s like that Chuck Norris joke: “Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting. Hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.”

      There’s no possibility of failure here. The lion doesn’t even know it’s being “hunted.” Guys like this pay $50k for a “permit” to “take” a lion, then pay another $50k or so to guides and servants who drive him around in climate controlled trucks armed to the teeth with modern gadgetry for locating animals. Then when they find a suitable lion, they’ll use bait to lure him right into the line of fire so the “hunter” can take the kill shot practically at point blank range.

      Even then, many of them bungle the shot. Then they take their photos, climb back into the air conditioned vehicle and delegate the gruesome task of removing the head, the trophy, to one of the guides.

      And while they fly home, eager to share unsolicited tales of their bravery and hunting prowess, the lion’s pride is unprotected and gets taken over by another male who proceeds to slaughter his predecessor’s cubs.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are perfectly right, Big Buddy. Trophy hunting is a disgrace, and what you describe is what happened to poor Cecil who was lured out of a protected area to be killed by a vile human named Walter Palmer. Palmer is a trash hunter, he did something similar to a grizzly.
        Hunting for food is one thing, but trophy hunting is vile. Wayne LaPierre (NRA) is a lousy shot, so his guides had to finish off the elephant he’d wounded.
        Cecil’s brother was also lured and killed by a trophy hunter. I don’t know if Cecil’s pride still exists. What a terrible species we humans can be.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I realized this decades ago, and it makes my blood boil to hear even people who believe in climate change talk about what the effect on US will be, never mind the millions of innocent species that we will wipe out.
    Frankly, if we could take out Homo “sapiens” and leave the planet clean for the other forms of life, that would be a blessing.
    An interesting side note: scientists studying the area around Chernobyl, where the entire human population had to evacuate, found that the lack of human presence was a positive result for the animals. They show no signs of radiation poisoning and they are thriving.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Same thing for cities like Beijing and Mumbai during the COVID lockdowns. There are photos showing them in early 2020, draped in smog, and then mid-lockdown with clear air and animals taking advantage of the lack of human activity.

      I’m not this much of a misanthrope, but I thought William’s speech from the third season of Westworld was hilarious:

      “I think humanity is a thin layer of bacteria on a ball of mud hurtling through the void. I think if there was a god, he would’ve given up on us long ago. He gave us a paradise and we used everything up. We dug up every ounce of energy and burned it. We consume and excrete, use and destroy. Then we sit here on a neat little pile of ashes, having squeezed anything of value out of this planet, and we ask ourselves, ‘Why are we here?’ You wanna know what I think your purpose is? It’s obvious. You’re here, along with the rest of us, to speed the entropic death of this planet. To service the chaos. We’re maggots eating a corpse.”

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Bella (and John) totally agree with this. However, our fellow earthlings are fighting back with their only weapon – viruses; they will get worse and more destructive to Humans as they increase in power due to Human torture, destruction and killing of other species. Covid 19 didn’t start on a carrot stall in a vegetable market…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Mee-yow what a terrifyin post Buddy an Big Buddy!!
    Hu’manss HUNT Ellyfantss an Lionss an other animalss fore sport??? Why? How?? Wha……???
    Mee kitty mind boggellss at THE mere thott of that.
    BellaSita meowed to mee if sum Human named Poo-tin pushess a button wee cuud all bee ‘toast’…..mee did not understand an then she meowed THE “DEE”
    werd…. Death…..
    That REELLY shook me up. How cuud one purrson wipe out a planet??? Why wuud one purrson want to wipe out a planet???
    Mee-yow Buddy an Big Buddy mee head hertss.
    Mee iss goin to have a nap ….**sighss**
    **purrss** BellaDharma an **tearss** BellaSita Sistur

    Pee S: At leest our Hu’manss are guud an kind purrsonss Buddy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The ancient Spartans refused to use ranged weapons like javelins and bows, because they thought a soldier should know the gravity of what he’s doing when he’s taking human life. I can’t imagine what they’d make of modern war where a kid drinking Mountain Dew in a carrier’s CIC can kill with a joystick and keyboard.


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