Haagen Dasz – Pain In The Bud

I usually wait until someone’s had a spoonful or two before casually asking “You know what Häagen-Dazs means, right?”

Some people will pause and give it lots of thought, as if they knew what it meant at one point and the memory is almost within grasp if the right synapse fires.

Others will fabulate an explanation, confidently asserting that Häagen-Dazs is German, Norwegian, Danish, Finnish or Icelandic. The umlaut conjures up something vaguely Nordic when removed from the context of heavy metal bands, which seem to be obsessed with sticking it on as many letters as possible.

“Did you see Ülträŝláügĥʻtër Dööm at Black MëtälFëst, dude? They rocked out!”

A dark and fiery graphic featuring the title 'ULTRÄSLAUGHTER DÖÖM' in a stylized, metallic font surrounded by spikes, skulls, and flames. — From their new album, “Umlauts of Eternal Rock,” now available wherever fine products are sold.

Some people will just shrug and fess up to ignorance.

Depending on how invested the person is, I might invent something absurd before revealing the truth.

“Yeah, it’s German for ‘the moment when frosted perfection settles amicably upon your tastebuds,’” because we all love how German has words for some of the most obscure situations and feelings.

But nothing beats the truth.

Häagen-Dazs means absolutely nothing. It’s nonsense.

The now-famous ice cream brand’s founder, a Polish immigrant named Reuben Mattus, made the word up when he launched the business in 1960. He slapped an umlaut on it and added a nonsensical “zs” to give it an exotic, vaguely Danish connotation.

Various flavors of Häagen-Dazs ice cream in colorful tubs arranged neatly on a shelf.

People won’t pay a premium for just any ice cream, but toss an umlaut in the name and claim it’s Danish, and suddenly customers are paying $3 or $4 more for a tub half the size, convinced that the Danes must know something about ice cream because their country is cold.

Score one for branding ingenuity and deduct another point from the American education system!

Sincerely,

Your friends at Pàin In The Büd

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WASHINGTON – A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of “blatant, systematic discrimination” after the company released a line of ice cream and frozen treats for dogs, but not for cats.

“Felines around the world are understandably hurt and feeling betrayed by Ben and Jerry right now,” the public interest group Cats’ Rights And Protection (CRAP) said in a statement. “Not only are these supposedly ‘good boy’ canines a bunch of frauds, but now they get to enjoy ice cream and delicious frozen treats like their humans, while we cats are relegated to eating the same cardboard-tasting dry treats and the admittedly juicy — but not frozen — meat sticks we’ve always had.”

Ben & Jerry's Doggie Desserts — Seriously?

The cat advocacy group, which lobbies for more favorable policies toward all felids, big and small, said Ben and Jerry’s oversight is “part of a larger, societal problem of viewing cats as second-class citizens who either don’t understand or don’t care that we’re getting the short end of the stick.”

“We’re not stupid,” the CRAP statement said. “We know an inferior snack when we see it, and it’s obvious Ben & Jerry are biased in favor of those mangy dogs.”

Meowsiharu Morimoto, the Iron Chef of the feline world, called on other ice cream makers to step in and correct the Vermont ice cream maker’s offensive errors.

“It’s long been obvious to anyone in the feline culinary world that our options for desserts and digestifs have been woefully inadequate,” the Japanese cat said. “Does anyone think of us cats? Does no one ever wonder ‘Shouldn’t cats get into enjoy yummy, palate-cleansing ice cream after feasting on fish and poultry?’ The lack of consideration is criminal! Shame on you, Jerry and Ben!”

Ice Cream for Cats? — *sniff* “Nom noms?”

Another door to the exclusive world of tasty desserts seemed to be closed to cats on Tuesday when a large group of feline demonstrators was discouraged by Cookies and Cream, a cat who counts the Häagen-Dazs founders among her humans.

“We hear you and we see your signs,” Cookies told the crowd. “But we’re not really nebulously Nordic masters of delicious frozen delicacies. Häagen-Dazs doesn’t actually mean anything. It’s complete nonsense! My human is from the Bronx. He just made Häagen-Dazs up, thinking that if Americans saw his ice cream as vaguely Norwegian or Danish, they’d think it was quality stuff and would be willing to pay a premium. Well, they do, and we’re rich, bitches!”

The Ice Cream Makers of America, in an attempt to quell the controversy, issued a statement of its own.

“Cats: You’re lactose intolerant! You can’t take two licks without getting brain freeze! You just aren’t a market for ice cream, sorry,” the statement read.

Note: It turns out there is an ice cream for cats, or more accurately an icy fish-flavored treat intended to cool kitties down on hot summer days. Has anyone given it to their cat? And yes, cats are lactose intolerant, so we shouldn’t give ice cream to our cat(s) no matter how many people on Youtube think it’s amusing.