thebigbuddy

Buddy Disputes Vile Lies About Cat Burglary!

The doggist lobby is creating fake news about cats. Those scoundrels shall be dealt with.

Buddy would like the public to know that vile anti-cat lies have been printed in the Charlotte Observer.

The newspaper alleges a burglar broke into a cat cafe called Gatos and Beans on Oct. 6 “and the cats did what cats do: absolutely nothing.”

The burglar smashed his way in by hurling a rock through a window while the cats “sat and watched,” the newspaper claimed.

As many as a dozen felines were inside Alabama’s first cat cafe at the time of the crime, with names like Velvet and Miss Tilly. None broke a nail during the ordeal, but were stressed out and needed a “snuggle” in the days that followed, the shop posted on Facebook.

Did absolutely nothing? Sat and watched?! Didn’t break a nail?!? Needed a snuggle?!?!?

These are outrageous lies perpetrated by a newspaper that clearly takes money from pro-dog lobby, which has a vested interest in making cats look bad.

Buddy rejects the insinuation that cats lay around and do nothing all day. A typical cat’s day is highly regimented and filled with activities such as eating, sleeping, grooming, sleeping, eating and sleeping, punctuated by energy-consuming bursts of important activity such as laser dot hunting and box-sitting.

Car beauty rest — “If you’re going to burgle, do it quietly. Some people are trying to sleep around here.”

If the burglar had broken in during a reasonable time, the kitties would have totally mauled him and held him down until the police arrived. Unfortunately, it appears the burglar was privy to the cats’ schedule and timed his break-in to coincide with Fourteenth Nap.

Buddy would like to remind everyone that cats are just as competent and badass as dogs when it comes to guarding and defending human abodes. Now if you’ll excuse him, it’s nap time.

70850A4A-319A-4EDE-8FEE-20ED4FCFF44C — “I am in box. I can see human, but human can’t see me!”

Announcing the 2nd Annual Buddy Portrait Contest!

Calling all cat-loving artists!

Hey, palicos! We’re pleased to announce the second annual Buddy Portrait Contest, a prime opportunity for artists around the world to show off their talents with illustrations of Buddy.

Let’s look at last year’s winners for inspiration!

3rd place:

This one’s a bit too manga for our particular tastes, but the artist deserves credit for getting Buddy’s musculature right. This sketch takes a naturalistic approach, eschewing exaggeration in favor of stark realism.

2nd place:

The judges absolutely fell in love with this pencil illustration, which renders Buddy’s hulking frame in dramatic greyscale tones. Buddy’s visage is fierce and his shaggy tail suggests virility and power. The drawing is centered by his considerable biceps and his fourteen-pack. Bravo!

1st place:

This is the Buddy we all know and love: Regal, majestic and powerful. In this awe-inspiring piece, Buddy looks toward an unseen horizon, his whiskers and tail alert and broadcasting unshakable confidence. His symmetric handsomeness is reproduced faithfully by the clearly inspired artist, and his broad shoulders are framed by jagged stripes in homage to Buddy’s heritage as a terrifying tiger. Superlatives fail us. This is the very picture of feline grace and power.

Honorable mention:

We think this is an attempt to portray Buddy as a Pokémon, shrinking him and his muscles down to a kawaii style more popular with children.

How to enter this year’s contest:

Submit a high-resolution illustration or portrait of Buddy no later than Nov. 30, 2019, with “Buddy the Handsome Cat” in the subject line. Portraits that don’t adequately capture how ripped Buddy is will be disqualified.

What Kind Of Cat Doesn’t Love KFC?

Mikey the Cat wouldn’t come down from a tree, not even for delicious extra crispy.

A few days ago the unthinkable happened.

Mikey, a tabby from California, escaped from his human’s living room and got himself stuck in a 90-foot palm tree on Sept. 25. We don’t care what kind of plump, juicy bird he was chasing, 90 feet ain’t no joke.

His dutiful human servant, Christine Lopez, tried everything she could to get the little dude to come down. She cracked open cans of the kitty crack. She waved tuna. She spoke soft words to reassure him.

She even called the local fire department, which tried to help but didn’t have a ladder long enough to get to Mikey.

Running out of options, Christine called animal control, and they suggested the ultimate weapon: KFC.

Now I don’t know about you, but Buddy would find his way down from a skyscraper to get his paws on that crispy fried goodness. It is, after all, finger lickin’ good.

Here’s where the story gets weird: Mikey didn’t go for it. He wouldn’t come down, not even for KFC! What kind of cat turns down KFC?

By that point Mikey had been in the tree for a week, and he’d attracted an audience according to the Whittier Daily News:

The neighbors’ dogs would sit in the yard, looking concerned; the neighborhood cats would sit at the base of the tree, staring and caterwauling, with Mikey responding with meows, she said.

Yep. They were probably telling Mikey they were gonna eat his tuna and his KFC if he didn’t get his butt down from the tree.

By Monday morning Mikey was still up there. Drone footage confirmed the terrified tabby was still huddled amid the fronds. Almost two weeks had passed. Mikey was meowing for help and Christine was getting desperate.

She called PETA for assistance and the group found a heroic, cat-loving order of chivalric knights who call themselves The Crane Guys of La Mirada led by Sir Miles of Burkhart.

Sir Miles reached the top of the palm and began negotiations with the terrified Mikey.

Cat In A Palm Tree — Miles Burkhart tries to reach Mikey the cat in Pico Rivera, CA, on Monday, Oct. 7. Photo credit Tracey Roman, Whittier Daily News.

Just when it seemed this ghastly ordeal would be over, Mikey jumped, activating Kitty Flight Mode, and upon landing immediately dashed under a neighbor’s porch, probably because of all the human, canine and feline onlookers milling around. Poor Mikey was embarrassed.

Thankfully, the story has a happy ending: Christine was finally able to reach Mikey when he chose a new hiding spot underneath a car. A relieved and famished Mikey tucked into a can of the good stuff and lapped up a whole bowl of water.

The little criminal has now lost his freedom.

“He’s doing life inside the house now,” Lopez told the paper. “After he decides to get paroled, he might walk on a leash.”

Brave Kitty Saves Her Human From Venomous Snake

Shelly the cat showed Mr. Snake the business end of her claws.

His Grace Buddy, King of All Cats, First of His Name, the Most Handsome and Totally Not Scared of Anything, is pleased to issue a Commendation of Bravery to Shelly, a rescue cat who saved her human from a venomous snake.

Shelly’s human, Jimmie Nelson, heard strange noises one night last week and chalked it up to Shelly burning off some energy with a late play session. Nelson went to sleep, oblivious to the danger he was in until the next day when he saw a dead copperhead under his kitchen table.

“On the side of the snake’s neck and head there were claw marks and one big slash, so we knew right then that the cat had definitely killed the snake and then brought it out a few days later to show it to her little dad,” Nelson’s daughter, Teresa Seals, told NBC affiliate WBIR in Tennessee.

D6F359FC-9ED3-46F6-9445-79747A4425B5 — Like all great cats, Shelly is a grey tabby.

Copperhead snakes are pit vipers, ambush predators that rely on hemotoxic venom to paralyze and injure their prey. They’re common in the southeastern U.S., though it’s unusual for the snakes to seek out humans or enter homes.

Copperheads don’t provide warnings before they bite and “strike almost immediately when they feel threatened,” according to LiveScience. Although their venom is not as potent as their deadlier cousins in the pit viper family, children and the elderly are particularly vulnerable. Copperhead bite victims are usually treated with antivenin and painkillers, and recovery can take months.

Nelson, who is 81 and a stroke victim, doesn’t like admitting his affection for his feline master, but Seals knows it’s just an act.

“He loves her, he doesn’t wanna act like he pays attention but I’ve caught him actually petting and loving on her,” she said.

She doesn’t think it’s an accident that Shelly ended up with her father.

“I think the Lord sent the cat to us to save my dad,” she told WBIR.

His Grace King Buddy said he’s honored to award Shelly with the King Buddy Commendation for Feline Bravery, an honor created in 2014 after His Grace defeated a vicious mosquito in single combat. The award itself is a bronze statue of Buddy striking a heroic pose at the moment of victory, paw raised after slaying the insect, muscles rippling from the effort of delivering the death blow.

Jimmie Nelson and Shelly the Cat — Shelly with her servant, Jimmie Nelson of Tennessee.

It’s Time For A Diet

Buddy’s in for a rude awakening. Do Temptations cause withdrawal?

The people who know us best instinctively know how to push our buttons. So naturally my brother knows one of the easiest ways to get me riled up is to tell me my cat is a porker.

“Buddy’s looking like he’s put on the pounds,” he’ll say casually. “How much are you feeding this cat?”

“Buddy is NOT fat!” I’ll reply indignantly. “It just looks that way because he’s meatloafing.”

“No, I’m pretty sure he’s just fat.”

Well now he may be right. Buddy isn’t exactly fat, but he’s on the wrong side of skinny and a few bags of Temptations away from being kinda chubby. Now is the time to nip this in the Bud and bring his weight back down before it, uh, balloons.

This is by far the fattest-looking photo of Buddy I could find. He’s in a super-meatloaf pose here, looking like a chonkmaster.

This photo was taken a few days later.

(Above: Buddy in super-chonk meatloaf pose, left, and Buddy in a photo taken a few days later. The way a cat sits or stands can dramatically change the way his or her body looks.)

The problem is, Buddy has mastered the art of the guilt trip.

When he’s legitimately hungry he isn’t shy about meowing for his meals, but what he does in between meals is much worse. When I head into the kitchen for a beverage or a snack, Buddy will pad right up to the doorway and stop, looking at me with his big, expectant eyes. His gaze will follow me as he sits there all hopeful.

And if I leave the kitchen without opening his treat cabinet, those big green eyes become accusatory, as if I’ve committed a profound betrayal of his trust by not giving him the ultra-processed kitty crack he loves.

It’s the complete silence that gets me. No meows, no complaints, just dead silence and those big eyes.

Buddy the Handsome Cat — “That’s a tasty looking snack you’ve got there. Where’s Buddy’s treats? You thought of Buddy, right? You would never forget about me…”

Worse yet, he’ll park himself right next to me and watch me eat a bowl of cereal or a cookie, continuing the silent act. What kind of horrible Big Buddy gets a snack for himself but not his Little Buddy?

So yeah. It’s diet time.

Buddy doesn’t know the dreaded D-word. He’s about to learn. But his diet may be harder on me than it is on him.