Trimming Cat Claws Still Sucks

The promise of a revolutionary new method of claw trimming is all hype, sadly.

I was hyped when I saw the headline.

“Cat Owners Rejoice,” the Newsweek headline blares. “Science Can Make Trimming Claws Less Stressful.”

Well if cat owners are rejoicing, it’s gotta be amazing, yeah?

I imagined cat affionados feting the creator of some miraculous new device that keeps cats comfortably restrained and relaxed, or maybe celebrating the discovery of some previously-unknown sound frequency that lulls felines into such a state of carefree bliss that they purr contentedly while we carefully clip their claws.

What I didn’t expect was a “protocol” that amounts to: Touch your cat’s leg. If he doesn’t try to murder you, touch your cat’s paw. If he still doesn’t murder you, trim a single claw. Repeat steps the next time your cat is in an agreeable mood.

That’s it. That’s the revolutionary new method that “science” made for us, according to Newsweek. “Science” must be proud of itself!

With this wonderful new method I should be able to trim one of Bud’s paws by 2067.

Obviously this is not science. It’s a method, not research. It’s well-intentioned and designed to keep cats comfortable, and those are noble goals, but calling it “science” is misleading, just like every other dumb headline that asserts “science says” or something is true “according to science,” as if science is an omniscient entity lounging on pillows, being fed candied figs by worshipful attendants and occasionally dispensing little nuggets of wisdom for our tiny little brains to absorb.

“The designated hitter rule shall henceforth be abolished,” Science says betwixt pulls from a hookah. “Fifty years of conclusive OPS plus FIP and OAVG data dictate it must be so.”

Come to think of it, that probably is what most Americans think science is. The other half think it’s Anthony “I Am Soyence” Fauci.

Where were we? Ah yes, cat claws!

The truth is I’ve give up on trimming Bud’s claws. If I notice a really long one I’ll try to trim it, but otherwise I leave the job to him and his 4-foot scratching post.

Maybe that makes me a bad caretaker, but I challenge anyone who’d stick me with that label to try trimming Buddy’s claws.

The little dude goes from chill and relaxed to demonic in a millisecond. He yowls, he thrashes, he flails with claws out and tries to bite any flesh he can reach, no matter how careful I am to try at the “right” time, how gentle I handle him, how careful I am to avoid the quick.

Bribe him with treats? Hah! He will stop yowling and thrashing about with murderous intent just long enough to gobble down the yums, then return to being a whirlwind of claws and teeth without skipping a beat.

And you should hear him. It sounds like I’m torturing Elmo, for crying out loud.

Thankfully he doesn’t hold a grudge and if I give up on trimming, he’ll be ready to plop down into my lap within minutes.

It’s generally understood that all that ghastly claw trimming nonsense is behind us, and we shall speak no more of it.

Speaking of ghastly business, the below video started auto-playing while I was on the throne and filling the idle time by searching for cat-related news:

@laurenkimripley

We love him #orangecat #catsoftiktok #orangecatbehavior #orangecatsoftiktok #orangekitten

♬ Hey Birdie.. Take care of you birdie – Manal

Bud, who had accompanied me to the human litter box chamber, looked alarmed and disturbed.

I laughed.

“See? You could have gotten stuck with someone who baby talked you, and then you wouldn’t need claw trimming as an excuse to kill humans.”

Now I know exactly what to do to herd him into the bedroom next time I need to vacuum.

“It’s okay, birdie! I’m gonna take care of you, birdie! Okay?!”

Ah, welcome to Casa de Buddy, home of two assholes!

25 thoughts on “Trimming Cat Claws Still Sucks”

    1. Thanks, Joy. Maybe I’ll record audio next time I’m stupid enough to try trimming Bud’s claws. He really does sound like a deranged Elmo: “Today is brought to you by the letter…I WILL KILL YOU, HUMAN!”

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  2. And why would that make you a bad caretaker? One. Cat scratchers work well. Two. If i attempted it with my cat he would get a knife and sleep next to it. 🤣🤣🗡 Two. Vet can do it at check up. My vet, much to my shock, trimmed them with no problems. I warned her. He did not raise one paw or bared teeth. My poor cat was afraid to the point he had to submit. I had no choice. He needed a check up.

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    1. You know how it is, there are all these articles about “You should do this, you should do that” and if we can’t do it, we end up feeling neglectful.

      But…there’s a balance between “should” and “Am I causing unnecessary stress for my cat?”

      I think the answer is different for each individual cat and their personality.

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      1. Yes. There is stress that cats should not be subjected to. My friend trimmed her cats nails. Cat did not like it and cut too high. Blood all over the floor. She never did that again. She was horrified at the pain she caused. Cat was fine after some care. And another reason not to attempt it is your cat can send you to emergency room. My neighbors wife told me one of thier cats bit husband just by moving him to another room. His arm starting getting blue and that is when he went to emergency room to get antibiotics. This is not first case i heard about cat bites.

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    2. Oh man. It makes me so mad when we take our cats to the vet’s and they can clip their claws with no problems. I’m REALLY??? How in the heck do they do that? I got the last laugh though when I took Meow Meow in for his checkup in Aug. He was getting everything done and I told them he doesn’t like to be brushed or have his nails done, etc and he’ll claw you and maybe bite. When she brings him out, she’s like, “Well, he’s a spicy one! He got both of us!” I just laughed and said I told ya so! 🤣

      We have to wrap our cats in a towel, like a burrito, with one person holding and one person attempting to clip said claws. It never ends well.

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      1. They’re the pros. You figure they’ve had to restrain cats thousands of times and they’ve seen all the jerks and all the cats prone to freaking out, as well as all the sweet cats who just purr and lay back like “Clip my claws? Sure!”

        As much as Bud is a huge pain in the ass with that stuff, he’s a good cat in so many other ways and I wouldn’t change him if I could.

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      2. To Carmen. 🤣🤣🤣My vet looks at me and said How hard was that? My cat was calm as can be as if he was trying make me a liar. She was joking of course. She knows cats at home will try to kill owners if any attempts at home. Then he goes into carrier by himself! I have to nearly starve him for one day to get him in!

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  3. P.S. I did trim one nail in 7 years. That is how long i have him. It was black but i think it was dirt under the nail. Vet said not to worry. Took less than a second and i still had all fingers intact and face with no scratches.

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  4. Hahaha! Little Buddy refuses to have his claws touched, much less trimmed. My cats are pretty laid back about the trim, but we’ve had a lot of practise together. This morning I found a huge claw sheath loose next to Vincent’s sleep pad. The claws on his back feet resemble an eagle’s, and he looked rather pleased with having removed that gigantic sheath. Back feet are really super off-limits, so he’s doing the necessary trim.

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    1. Nice job, Vincent! That makes me feel a bit better knowing other cats take care of trimming themselves, even if it’s “just” the back feet.

      And yeah, I can only touch Bud’s paws if we’re high-fiving or if he’s laying on me and purring. From what I’ve read, cats generally don’t like having their paws touched.

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  5. Ahaha, funny! I used to wait until the cats were very sound asleep, and sneak in and clip one nail, retreating quickly. If a cat was really zonked out, I might get to do another claw, or even all the claws on one foot. I’d do other things until the next chance to clip came along. Worked with some cats, but not all. Now I’m much more limited and have more cats, so I don’t try to clip anymore.

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    1. That sounds like a lot of work and more of a task for ninjas than mere humans. Cats have an uncanny ability to spring to full alertness from sleep as well, although less so in their own homes when they’re comfortable and have nothing to fear.

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  6. We leave it to the vets office, and then only After Tuxie has his Neurontin compounded medication so he doesn’t try to take them out! He only tolerated nail clipping from us when he was a wee kitty?

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  7. I wondered if dear old Fauci was behind the “science.” I can’t imagine a cat putting up with him, though.

    Let me introduce you to the Cat Wrap: get a large towel. Lay it across your lap. Lay the cat on your lap. Starting with the short end of the towel, quickly and firmly wrap the cat in the towel and take no nonsense! Let one paw poke out of the end of the towel. Place the towel-wrapped (mummified) cat under one arm and get to work on the claws of the exposed paw.
    Do not rinse. Just repeat for the other three paws.
    I have had multiple cats over many years and I have successfully used the Cat Wrap on all of them. My mother taught me this method when I was a child.
    If your wrapping doesn’t succeed the first time, practice, practice, practice. Practice may not make perfect but it does make better.
    Don’t let your soft heart take over. Tough love!

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    1. I was making fun of Fauci for that interview he did where he said anyone questioning him is questioning science, and the way he pronounces it as “soyence.”

      Also here in New York we were subjected to a series of overly-chummy, back-slapping press conferences with Andrew Cuomo and Fauci, which Cuomo treated as a comedy show despite the fact that it was peak pandemic time, making frequent asides about how they were both “pisans” from “the old neighborhood.”

      Also in regard to your earlier post, I have strong feelings about that issue, but I just can’t get into it here without going off the rails and risking people arguing. That’s why I try to limit political stuff to cat-adjacent topics, although I don’t always get it right.

      As for the wrap…you’re right, I have a soft heart. But Bud really does sound like Elmo being tortured! It’s ridiculous, and it always ends with me giving up, him giving a “Hrrrrrmmmph!” and then going to do his Buddy things. It’s entirely possible he’s intentionally manipulating me by being dramatic, but I can’t know for sure.

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      1. I did catch the snarky way you introduced Fauci.

        And of course Li’l Buddy sounds like he’s being tortured! That’s how they twist our hearts around their little pinkies…ER, paws. That’s why I gave you the advice not to succumb to tactics.

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  8. I have never trimmed any of my Gods claws, I guess in the UK as they are outside and also have multiple scratch posts everywhere ( including sofas…) there is no necessity as they naturally are kept trim and ultra sharp as my arm can testify when I have not moved fast enough…

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    1. Yeah they would certainly have plenty of natural surfaces like tree bark to mark their territory and keep their murder mittens sharp. I’m sure your local cats know exactly where the boundaries of Bella and Bertie Territory are.

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