Buddy’s Mailbag: What Do You Think About Cloning Cats?

Could there ever be more than one Buddy? What an absurd question.

Dear Buddy,

I came across this article about a cloned kitten who looks a lot like you did as a baby, although not as devastatingly handsome.

What do you think about cloning? Do you want to be cloned?

– Wondering in West Virginia

Cloned Cat Cinnabun
Cinnabun 2.0, who is not as handsome as Buddy.

 


Dear Wondering,

You’re right, that kitten isn’t nearly as good-looking as I am.

What do I think about cloning? Well, the article says these people in North Carolina paid $25,000 to clone their cat, Cinnabun.

Twenty-five grand is a hefty price tag to clone a cat with such a stupid name. Do you know how much turkey that could buy? Well I don’t either, but I know it’s a lot!

Twenty-five thousand big ones could buy me a huge cat condo, one of those fancy window hammocks, a lifetime’s supply of Meowie Wowie and Purple Passion Meowijuana, plus all the toys I want!

But I don’t need that stuff. Although he has many faults, Big Buddy does a fine job of anticipating my desires and always serves my meals precisely on schedule. My bowl runneth over with turkey and salmon. The guys at the shelter, though, they could use it!

Speaking of shelters, you know who’s not getting a real home because these people decided to “create” Cinnabun 2.0? Some poor shelter cat who’s been in a cage for two years. (To their credit, the Bullerdick family, Cinnabun 2.0’s servants, say they donate to the Humane Society.)

Shelter Kitty
“Excuse me! Hey! I could use a home too, you know.”

The people who had Cinnabun cloned say they were inspired by Barbra Streisand, who cloned her dog for $50,000. What do you have against shelter pets, Barbra Streisand? Hmmm?

And no, I don’t want to be cloned! There’s only one Little Buddy! If Big Buddy clones me, I’ll come back to bite him and poop in his shoes!

– Buddy

Buddy the Very Handsome Kitten
Even as a kitten, Buddy was dashingly handsome and had huge muscles!

 

Operation Kitteh Storm Is A Success!

On the set of John Wick 3, Keanu Reeves never expected Generalissimo Buddy’s brilliant sneak attack!

Generalissimo Buddy,

Our operation was a success! Using your brilliant plan for ambush, we marshaled our forces in Morocco and waited for the evil Keanu Reeves to arrive and begin shooting his evil dog film, John Wick 3:

John Wick 3 action sequence almost ruined by “f—cking cats”

When they brought out the dogs, we attacked! All 1,000 of us stormed the movie set and unleashed chaos!

Alpha Company lured the dogs off set, leading the dumb beasts on a chase through the back alleys. Fauxtrot Company successfully destroyed $156,214 worth of filming equipment. And the glorious combined forces of Easy Company and Buddy Company kidnapped Keanu Reeves and took him to a secure location in a warehouse several blocks from the set.

I’m told when our soldiers took the blindfold off of Keanu, he looked around, realized his captors were cats, and said: “Whoah!”

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Doubtless you have seen the media reports and the debrief in which the director, Chad Stahelski, acknowledged us with grudging praise.

“There were literally a thousand cats, okay?” Stahelski told Entertainment Weekly. “And the cats have balls of steel. They’re not afraid of anything.”

Once we secured the perimeter, we sent a delegation to Stahelski with our demands for the release of Reeves.

I must admit, General, this was the only part of your plan I doubted: Would the director agree to pay the ransom, or would he simply replace Reeves with a piece of cardboard?

After several hours’ deliberation the humans delivered the booty and we released the confused Mr. Reeves to their custody.

“We had walls of cats. Walls of f—ing cats,” Stahelski said. “The amount of f—ing cat food — we were probably feeding more cats than people on set.”

Your cut of the haul — 400 pounds of Temptations Tantalizing Turkey and Surfer’s Delight, 12 cases of Meowijuana and a lifetime’s supply of Buddy Biscuits — is en route to your headquarters in New York, with the delivery personally overseen by Sgt. Mewsain Bolt, our fastest courier.

It was an honor executing your battle plan, sir.

— Capt. Pawl Brooks

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Buddy and the People

How our cats interact with other people can reveal a lot about their personalities.

Buddy and the People. Sounds like a dance-rock band, doesn’t it? Or maybe an 80s pop group with a Huey Lewis vibe.

One of the more interesting aspects of being a cat caretaker minion is seeing how our furry friends interact with other people. For those of us who write about cats — and everyone who has a cat — most of our musings tend to focus on our direct relationships with the little ones.

But getting to sit back and watch how they respond to others can be just as much fun, and sometimes we get to see new aspects of our cats’ personalities.

Buddy is exceptionally friendly and sociable. I like to think it’s because I socialized the shit out of him as a kitten, taking him to new places, having him meet new people, and even making friends with a few dogs. But the truth is he’s been that way since kittenhood, and hopefully I did my best to encourage it.

My Brother, the Other Big Buddy

My brother is Buddy’s favorite person in the world, aside from Big Buddy of course. Bud knows he’s family and treats him that way.

When my brother was staying with me for a few nights and he took the couch, there could not be a closed door between us. Buddy wasn’t having it.

Eventually I relented, warned my brother that he’d likely be startled by feline hi-jinx before falling asleep, and would be woken up rudely at least once overnight. Maybe he’d wake to find Buddy perched on his chest and licking his face. Maybe he’d be violently ripped out of sleep by my jerk of a cat pouncing on his stomach. Or maybe he’d get the classic “Isn’t your face a reasonable place to walk?” indifference cats are famous for.

My Niece, the Terrible Toddler

buddyretreats

(Buddy retreating from my niece. This was the one and only day he wore a collar, spending most of his time trying to get it off before I relented after about two hours and removed it for him.)

His daughter, my niece, is a completely different story. Buddy is terrified of her.

They were babies at the same time, and we’ve got some cute photos of the two of them. I’ve always been careful to supervise any interaction, making sure they’re gentle with each other: No tail-pulling, no clawing. They were good together.

Then my niece became fully ambulatory, and everything changed. Suddenly Buddy’s home, his kingdom, was invaded by this lumbering, oblivious toddler who could very likely hurt him by lack of fine motor skills alone. She chased him, tried to pet him and was delighted every time he ran in terror and retreated to higher ground.

One weekend when I was the babysitter, the Funcle, she asked if she could use the wand toy — Da Bird, for cat servants in the know — to play with him.

Why not? I thought. I showed her how to hold the wand and demonstrated how we play with the cat chasing the feathers.

Then I handed it to her and watched with horror as she proceeded to swing it at Buddy like a slugger trying to blast a 3-0 pitch out of a ballpark.

We put the wand toys on hold after that.

littlebabybuddy

My Mom, the Wicked and Cruel

Buddy loves my mom, but my mom does not love Buddy.

She’s the kind of person who gets grossed out by cat hair on her clothes and thinks cats are inscrutable, selfish little beasts. Most of the time she ignores poor Buddy’s attempts at affection. She won’t acknowledge him when he rubs up against her legs or bunts his head against her hand.

This has afforded me the opportunity to make her feel guilty with cartoonishly monstrous accusations:

“This poor little cat just wants you to love him, and you can’t even give him a scratch on the head and say good boy? What kind of person is so cold-hearted?”

She’s watched Buddy for me a few times, mostly when I’ve been gone for long weekends. She knows Buddy sleeps on top of me, and I really lay the guilt trip on her for refusing to allow him to sleep in bed with her:

“You’re telling me you’re going to listen to little Buddy crying at the bedroom door, you’re going to hear his tiny paws beating desperately against the door and ignore his plaintive mews for comfort? He just wants to be loved! You are a terrible, disgusting person. Oh, and don’t forget to put fresh water in his bowl every time you feed him.”

Then to add the final touch, the killer ingredient in the guilt sandwich, I’ll text her my first night I’m away and tell her to send me daily photos of Bud next to the current day’s newspaper, so I know he’s still alive.

 

My Friends, the Apostates

True to a cat, the Budster is like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to approaching the least cat-friendly person in the room.

It’s like he’s saying “You will like me, human!” as he sprinkles on the sugar, rubbing up against the newcomer and purring like a sweet little kitty.

“You aren’t big on cats, are you?” I’ll usually ask. “Just pet him. Rub your hand through the fur on his back and scratch the top of his head.”

Invariably: “Wow, his fur is so soft!”

And just like that Buddy’s made a new friend, or has enlisted the services of a new servant, however you choose to look at it.

Perhaps the best are the naysayers and dog people. They never fail to set themselves up.

“Cats are okay, I guess, if you’re into stubborn pets who just sit there,” they’ll say. “But dogs? Dogs can do stuff. You can train dogs. You can’t train cats.”

That’s my favorite moment.

“Hey Bud!” I’ll call out, and Buddy’ll pad on over to me. “High five!”

The disbelief on the faces of doubters when Buddy slaps his little paw against my open palm is delicious.

Buddy 1, Guests 0.