Buddy – Page 56 – Pain In The Bud

Dear Buddy: Why Are Humans So Ungrateful To Their Cats?

Buddy advises a fellow cat on how to deal with ungrateful humans.

Dear Buddy,

My humans are good people who serve me well despite their abysmal hunting skills. Every now and then I kill a juicy mouse or a lizard, you know, to show I can provide and pull my weight around here.

Sometimes I leave my gift on the kitchen counter, and sometimes I leave it on one of their pillows in ~~their~~ my bed. High visibility places, you know? Nothing says “You have been serving me adequately, have a delicious meal on me!” quite like leaving the gift where you know it’ll be stumbled upon.

Unfortunately they’re a bunch of ungrateful jerks! They start acting all dramatic, they put the fresh kill in a paper bag like it’s toxic waste and they throw it out. That’s just adding insult to injury.

Why can’t humans express gratitude?

– Maxwell in Maryland

Dear Maxwell,

I know exactly what you mean! I used to groom my Big Buddy, using my saliva to shampoo his hair, but he acted like I was the disgusting one.

Well, I solved the problem, yes I did! I wait and quietly groom my butt until my human falls asleep. Then I give my butt a few more thorough licks before climbing on top of my Big Buddy and grooming him, starting with his beard and working my way to his upper lip.

I find that grooming his beard immediately after grooming my butt is best because my poop gives the bristles on my tongue a more malleable quality, which is good for grooming human hair. Plus it leaves his beard smelling nice and familiar, like our home after I use the litterbox!

Humans are just ungrateful creatures, Maxwell, but night time affords many opportunities to help them when they don’t realize it. Why not drop a mouse into your human’s mouth while she’s asleep? Who knows? She might like it!

Your friend,
Buddy

Here Are The Top Cat Names In 2019

Buddy’s moving on up!

Buddy was the 11th most-popular for male cats in 2019, a newly-released list says. The list was compiled by Rover, a company that helps pet owners connect with pet sitters and walkers.

The top 10 male cat names in 2019 were:

Oliver
Leo
Milo
Charlie
Max
Jack
Simba
Loki
Oscar
Jasper

9ACC4441-CE23-4FD8-9301-8B1DBD046D4A — Sacre bleu! Do I look like a Jean-Jacques to you, sir?

And here are the top 10 female cat names of 2019:

Luna
Bella
Lucy
Kitty
Lily
Nala
Chloe
Sophie
Daisy
Stella

DD2573FD-2AD2-4816-B39F-1052CA377730 — Call me Gertrude!

Buddy’s Dark Materials

Buddy would fit right in with the other animals of HBO’s new series, His Dark Materials.

With a Game of Thrones-size void left in my TV-watching schedule, and shows I care about — The Expanse, The Last Kingdom, The Witcher — either between seasons or yet to debut, I’ve been watching HBO’s newest big-budget fantasy adaptation, His Dark Materials.

Based on a series by the British novelist Philip Pullman, His Dark Materials follows the adventures of Lyra, an 11-year-old girl living in a parallel world that resembles a steampunk version of Victorian England.

What sets the series apart, aside from its fantastical setting, is the prominent presence of animals. Lots and lots of animals. Animals everywhere: Rabbits, foxes and cats underfoot, hawks and eagles in the air, snakes slithering on the shoulders of their humans.

In Lyra’s world, the human soul isn’t a nebulous concept or incorporeal entity. Instead, each person’s soul takes the physical form of an animal.

asrielanddaemon — James McAvoy plays Lord Asriel, whose daemon is a powerful and intimidating snow leopard named Stelmaria. Credit: HBO

mcavoydaemon — Stelmaria looks just like a real snow leopard, a credit to the show’s visual effects team, who had their work cut out for them with this adaptation. Credit: HBO

These animals — somewhat controversially called daemons in the books and series — are fully sapient creatures with the ability to speak, and they often serve as the conscience and voice of reason for their humans. The bond between humans and their daemons are sacred, the series informs us, and they cannot be separated.

The daemons of children can change form, taking the shape of virtually any animal, but upon adulthood each person’s daemon “settles” as a particular animal and no longer shifts. A daemon in its settled form, the series tells us, reflects the true nature of a person.

Nomadic people’s daemons often settle as hawks. Sneaky or evil characters have daemons who settle as snakes and insects. Protagonist Lyra’s daemon, Pantalaimon, hasn’t “settled” yet in the series, and he’s been seen as a cat, a moth and a fox — among other forms — but he usually takes the form of a snow white ermine:

a644777c5ef6bee919a324516d3b79893c6bf73885938a2e1e1ca1e5b1ec8a162371d98d9608d96e079e06b362c5f8ae-2- — Lyra (Daphne Keen) and Pantalaimon, the tiny ermine to the left. Credit: HBO

his-dark-materials-1 — Ruth Wilson plays Mrs. Coulter, whose daemon is a snub-nosed monkey. Credit: HBO

linmanuelhester — Lin Manuel Miranda plays the roguish aeronaut Lee Scoresby, whose daemon is a rabbit named Hester. Credit: HBO

Of course, were I to occupy Lyra’s world, my daemon would be a massive and powerful tiger. I mean, let’s face it, no other animal would do me justice. 🙂

tiger7-andrew-james — Who would mess with me if I had my own tiger? Credit: Andrew James

Alas, I already have one, and his name is Buddy. While watching the show, I couldn’t help but notice the way the animals follow their humans is precisely the way my cat follows me. The show’s daemons are never far from their human counterparts, and straying too far away causes them pain. To hear Buddy yowl when I’m on the other side of the bathroom door, he feels the same way.

Unfortunately he wouldn’t be much help in a fight, but he’d be a hell of a wingman!

“You’re never getting away from me, dude!”

My Cat’s Letter to Santa Claws

Buddy writes to Santa…

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy all year.

I’m always here for my Big Buddy when he’s feeling down, I mostly scratch where I’m supposed to, and I don’t poop outside the litter box. Also, if there were any mouses around I would totally get rid of them, but there’s no mouses probably because they are scared of me because I’m so ripped.

I know you see me when I’m sleeping, which is kinda creepy, and you see me when I’m awake, so you know I don’t knock over the Christmas tree and I’ve only broken like three or four ornaments. I didn’t break any of Big Buddy’s guitars this year either!

Here is my Christmas wish list. I hope you can make it to my house this year! I will put out a glass of milk and some turkey in case you’re hungry or thirsty when you come by.

Your friend,

Buddy

559295FD-E1B5-4037-8469-DB4C5D896834 — You see me when I’m sleeping, you know when I’m awake…

I’ve always wanted a Roomba, which is a little robot designed for kitties to ride on. It looks like so much fun! I really want one.

I want a saw so I can cut Buddy-size holes in the doors in my house. That way no doors can stop me!

I want a boot or a sneaker big enough for me to nap in. When I was little I used to sleep in Big Buddy’s shoes. They smelled so good and they were nice and cozy. I haven’t fit in a long time because I got big. I need a big shoe.

I want a bell I can ring when I want snacks!

And the last thing I want is a hammock that goes on the window so I can watch the birds.

So my list is a Roomba, a saw, a shoe big enough to nap in, a bell and a hammock. If you can’t bring all those things, that’s okay.

Thank you, Santa Claws!

One of My Favorite Kitten Memories

How do kittens burn off extra energy? Buddy shows us how it’s done!

Whenever I look at photos of Baby Buddy, I try to remind myself there was a whole lot of crazy that came with the cute.

The surreptitious pooping underneath my bed. The relentless nightly war waged against my ankles and feet. The incessant meowing as if he’d reconciled classical and quantum physics and needed to tell me all about it right this very instant.

Actually he hasn’t quite given up that last hobby. He still tackles weighty subjects in minutes-long soliloquies delivered in meow, but he’s generally less insistent unless the topic involves food.

One of my fondest memories of Baby Bud involves that hyper talkativeness combined with boundless kitten energy and Buddy’s unique brand of crazy.

It started with bedtime. I was settling in for sleep and Bud was making it clear he would have none of it. So I sighed, making sure my feet were fully wrapped in the armor of a blanket to render kitten claws and teeth ineffective.

One of his favorite moves as a kitten was to wait until I was falling asleep, my heart rate slowing, before going kamikaze on my feet. He’d listen for the first snore, chomp down on my toes and gleefully flee before I realized what was happening, happily trilling and chirping after another successful ambush.

This time Buddy had something else in mind. As soon as the lights were off and I was settled in bed, he took off like the Roadrunner, ricocheting off the walls and yelling out “BRRRRRRUUUPPP!!!! BRRRRRRUUUPPP!!!” as he pinballed around the room.

This went on for several minutes until, without warning, Buddy skidded to a halt on my back, meowed the kitten equivalent of “OH YEAH!” and collapsed on top of me with an epic sigh of contentment. He was asleep within seconds.

I can’t do justice in words to how funny it was, except to say I was laying there belly-laughing with my kitten on top of me, afraid I was going to wake him up.

At the time it was also validation. This kitten was my first-ever pet, and he was clearly a happy little dude. That made me happy too.

I miss Baby Buddy, but I love adult Buddy even more precisely because I have more memories like this one to fondly look back on…and because adult Buddy mercifully doesn’t treat my feet like scratching posts when I’m asleep!