LOS ANGELES — Speaking to Oprah Winfurry, Prince Hairy declared his life has been “incredibly difficult” over the past year as he’s been cooped up in a $12 million cat condo and reduced to surviving on a measly $300 million from media companies who want to brand content with his name and image.
With his wife Meowghan Murkle squeezing his shoulder, Prince Hairy fought back tears as Winfurry gently urged him on.
“To the people who have lost family to COVID, been laid off from their jobs or have had their livelihoods completely destroyed in this pandemic, I ask you to take a moment and imagine true adversity,” the aristocat prince said. “You don’t know what it’s like to have servants talk back, or to have your wife burst into tears because the royal tailor used periwinkle blue instead of Lapis lazuli for her scarves.”
The duke and duchess fled the United Katdom last year, citing unbearable living circumstances in their palace. In a series of interviews with Winfurry, Paws Corden and Craig Purrgeson, they lamented all the attention lavished on them by the press and said they want to live simple, private lives.
“Privacy is extremely important to me,” Prince Hairy said as an audience of more than 50 million tuned in to see Winfurry interview him and his wife.
“It’s important to us as a couple,” Meowghan said. “I’ve always shied away from fame and have been uncomfortable with all eyes on me. The last thing I wanted was to become a member of the royal family and pad down the aisle in a priceless tiara to marry a prince in a lavish ceremony, as the envy of every would-be princess on the planet.”
“So the fame, the fortune, the gourmet pate, the admiration of millions, that stuff just never occurred to you?” Winfurry asked.
Meowghan shifted in her seat, adjusting her $4,700, diamond-encrusted harness.
“That’s correct,” she said. “I thought Hairy was joking when he said he was a prince. I didn’t even know how to curtsy!”
The duchess paused to lap Evian from a golden bowl.
“So you never googled your future husband? Didn’t know anything about him?”
“Oprah, I couldn’t even find the UK on a map,” Murkle responded.
The conversation turned tense later in the interview when the couple said a member of the royal family — maybe the queen, or Prince Snarls, or Prince Billiam, or possibly his evil wife Kat Middleton — “expressed concerns” about the kittens Hairy and Moewghan were expecting, and whether they would have “proper British coat patterns” or resemble American cats.
Murkle also disputed a series of newspaper stories that claimed she made Middleton cry after a row over how the flower kittens would be dressed for the royal wedding.
“It was the other way around. She made me cry,” Murkle said, pawing away a tear. “I said, ‘Beloved future sister-in-law, won’t these little flower girls look absolutely adorable?’ And she said: ‘You know, your kittens will never sit the throne, so why don’t you give up this pathetic charade?’ I was taken aback, Oprah! Kat is all smiles and waving paws in public, but behind closed doors she’s a scheming little backstabber who watches too much Game of Thrones.”
Winfurry reminded the audience that the Duke and Duchess walk the walk.
“What people don’t know is that the $9 million you’ve earned from this interview will be split among several different charitable groups,” she said.
“That’s right,” the prince confirmed. “Keeping the money would be crass.”
“And while so many of our peers circle the world in private jets while preaching environmental responsibility, we fly coach,” Meowghan said. “To do anything else would undermine our message as champions of the environment.”