Historic All-Feline Hockey Team Forfeits First Game After Discovering Penalty Box

NEW YORK — History’s first all-feline hockey team got off to an ignominious start Tuesday when it was forced to forfeit its first game due to the entire team ending up in the penalty box.

The unfortunate sequence of events began in the first period when Duster Hoggins, captain of the Ice Cats, earned a whistle from the referees for trying to bite one of the opposing team’s forwards.

The members of the Ice Cats’ bench — who had been napping or quietly looking on with detached disinterest — suddenly perked up as the referees announced the penalty.

“Did he say penalty box?” rookie backup defenseman Mittens asked his teammates.

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After the referees escorted Duster to the penalty box, mayhem broke loose: The formerly calm felines began a relentless assault on the opposing team by scratching, biting and even throwing themselves at the other team’s players.

A great cheer erupted from the Ice Cats’ bench when Little Panther, their center, was whistled for ignoring the puck and making a beeline for the opposing goaltender, whom he repeatedly struck with his stick.

“Penalty box! Penalty box!” the cats chanted, banging their sticks on the ground as they encouraged their teammates.

A broadly grinning Little Panther high-foured Duster and the two other cats who were already inside when he was escorted to the penalty box.

“Stop it, you idiots!” Ice Cats Coach John Tortorella screamed.

The feline teammates briefly paused, looking at each other for a moment before resuming their cheer: “Penalty box! Penalty box!”

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The game was called just 4:52 into the first quarter after the penalty box was crowded with players and the Ice Cats could no longer field a team.

“This is a great sport!” Duster told reporters after the game. “If we’d known the goal was to reach the penalty box, we would have taken to hockey with much more zeal.”

“The goal isn’t to reach the penalty box, you morons!” a visibly angry Tortorella said, cutting into the interview. “We lost today because of your stupidity.”

The Ice Cats are scheduled to take on the New York Islanders on Thursday at the Barclays Center, where Duster vowed his squad would “dominate the penalty box like no other team in history.”


6 thoughts on “Historic All-Feline Hockey Team Forfeits First Game After Discovering Penalty Box”

  1. Tux would like more information about this PENNN-ULLL-TEEE box that Buddy speaks of. Does it have premium brand litter? Are yums offered upon entering and leaving the Box? And most importantly, are the napping accommodations at least 4 star? If so , he and his HPA (human personal assistant) would like to make a reservation!

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    1. I have been reliably informed that the penalty box was a spartan affair at first, but the Ice Cats quickly got to work sprucing the place up for comfortable habitation, signaling their intention to spend more time in the penalty box than out on the ice or on the bench.

      The box is now stocked with appropriate yums, blankets and ear plugs to drown out the crowd noises and allow for proper naps.

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    1. I can’t claim expertise on the topic, but out of everything I’ve read, the thing that makes the most sense to me is that cats feel secure in boxes because they feel like they’re hidden from others but can still see what’s going on. My cat certainly seems to think he’s hidden when he’s in a box.

      It seems to give them psychological/emotional comfort to hide inside cozy spaces. I think it’s the same reason why, for example, my cat likes to nap between my legs or in the crook of my arm. Sometimes when I sleep on my side, I’ll wake up to find him maneuvering between my knees and my stomach, just burrowing in there like I’m his living sleeping nook.

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    1. Good, ‘cause the cats are about to discover the wonderful sport of BOXing! Of course we have not fully explored the joys of bowling yet either. When we watched The Big Lebowski, Buddy could not believe I hadn’t told him about the existence of a game in which the goal is to knock items off a flat surface.

      He was quite taken with bowling, and made me promise I’d take him one day. I don’t believe he plans to use a ball, however. Either he’ll station himself next to the pins for easy swiping, or he’ll launch himself, curling into a ball as he hurtles down the lane toward the pins. He can use the ball return as his own personal ski lift.

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