Buddy’s Mailbag: What’s Your Adoption Story?

He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Dear Buddy,

How did your hooman adopt you? What happened?

Head bump,

Stasi in ‘Stralia


Buddy Buddy Buddy!
Dapper, debonair and delightful.

Dear Stasi,

At the dawn of time in 1 AB (Anno Buddy), a mommy cat gave birth to a litter of feisty felines. They were strapping young kitties, and when the time came for them to pair up with humans and move to their new homes, they went one-by-one.

All except one, the smallest and runtiest of the bunch. He was sick and he had a limp, but he was a happy little boy. Every day he waved goodbye to his brothers and sisters, and wondered if anyone would want him. He was small and his mew was only a squeak, but he already had a very big heart and lots of love to give.

Then it happened. A mysterious stranger enquired about the runt and almost two weeks later he arrived in person to take the little kitten home. The little kitten was scared. This human put music on in the car ride home, and his singing voice was terrible!

The kitten cried.

“Don’t worry,” the human said as he drove. “Me and you are going to be best buddies! You’ll see!”

After arriving at a strange new place, claiming every inch of it and pooping under the human’s bed for two weeks, the little kitten knew he had found his home. The human’s bed became his bed. The human became his pillow. Things were turning out okay.

The human fed the kitten healthy food. The kitten’s limp improved, his coat started to look healthy, and his poops were less nasty. The kitten also learned that the box with litter inside it was for the aforementioned pooping, not for making sand castles.

The kitten still had no name. One day the human’s mom observer her son with the kitten, and after her son called the cat “little buddy,” she said: “That’s a perfect name for him: Bud. You guys are the Buddies. Buddy number one and Buddy number two.”

They were henceforth known as Big Buddy and Little Buddy.

Buddy the Cat
Buddy the cat surveying his territory from an elevated position.

The big human and little cat became best friends. One day Big Buddy brought home a harness. Little Buddy didn’t like it. But after a lot of practice, Little Buddy learned to accept the harness and learned how to walk on it next to his Big Buddy.

It was during one of those walks that a human female saw Little Buddy and declared him the cutest kitten ever. Suddenly Little Buddy realized he was very handsome, and embarked on a career as a kitty model that continues to this day.

Soon Little Buddy began pumping iron, and began the transformation to the strong, regal kitty with huge muscles that you’re familiar with today.

And there you have it. Buddy’s origin story.

– Buddy the Brave

Compendium of Powerful and Handsome Cats
Many scientists believe Budus Felidus, left, is directly related to Panthera Onc, right, also known as the leopard. Others believe Budus Felidus is a sub-species of tiger.

Reminder: I’m Still Devastatingly Handsome

Photos of Buddy provide a visual feast for his thousands of admirers.

bud_close_face
You smell that? It isn’t Curve or Drakkhar Noir, it’s Essence of Buddy. Notes of blackberry, grape and autumn in New York.
bud_inside
My coat is luxurious but needs a brushing. My servant is derelict in his responsibilities.
bud_lookingup
I ponder my handsomeness as I look yonder.
Buddy: Whatcha Lookin' At?
Whatcha lookin’ at, eh? Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!

A Royal Edict From King Buddy

King Buddy issues a royal decree forbidding lesser animals, like monkeys and humans, from upstaging him on his own blog.

Dear Big Buddy,

This letter is to serve as notice that I, Little Buddy, forbid you from befowling my blog with images of any other animals, including humans and snow monkeys. (With the exception of turkey, of course.)

The blog is called Buddy: An Awesome and Handsome Cat for a reason. Readers come here to see me! We don’t want to confuse them with photographs of ugly beasts who fling their poop at each other.

Signed,

Buddy the Handsome, First of His Name, Protector of the Apartmental Realm, Sole Sovereign of the Fields of Turkey, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Menace

Dear Little Buddy,

No problem, little guy. I won’t befowl your blog with photos of lesser beasts like humans and monkeys. I’ll befoul it! Muahahaha!

– Big Buddy

Snow Monkey at Mt. Takao
Who is this Buddy the Cat you speak of?
Macaque baby
“What’s a Buddy?”
Snow monkeys at Mt. Takao
“I have my own Buddy, thank you very much.”
58E57291-FA6B-4451-AB0E-30879F8943FF
“Look at what a cute baby I am! I’ll bet Buddy was never this cute!”
AEBC32E7-D010-4C05-B7E6-E84CD5E690FB
“What? He’s on another continent?! What’s he gonna do, bite you? lol.”
B26CAB6A-9ADF-4AA7-A943-7F8DFCC15176
“I heard cats groom themselves, the selfish jerks.”
Japanese macaque mom and baby
“A who? No thanks, I already have an annoying little life form to take care of.”
King Buddy the Cat
“Let all the realm know what Buddy has decreed!”

 

Dear Buddy: Should I Groom My Human?

My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane.

Dear Buddy,

My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane. This is getting to be a bit much: I already catch dinner since she is inept at hunting, but she doesn’t appreciate that. I brought her a nice juicy mouse, but she freaked out and threw it away! No appreciation, I tell ya…

Anyways, what should I do about the grooming?

Hygienic in Hawaii

Dear Hygienic in Hawaii,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because this is an ongoing problem with humans! I own a male human and have tried to teach him how to groom himself to no avail.

What I recommend you do is wait until your human is asleep. That’s what I do. When Big Buddy settles down in bed I start grooming myself like I’m about to go to sleep, and as soon as I hear him snoring I finish up grooming my butt with my tongue and pad on over to his face. He has hair on top of his head and on his cheeks and chin, so I usually start with his chin and work my way up.

If he wakes up I just start purring and go “Meow meow, look at me I’m a simple kitty!” and he falls to sleep again, allowing me to finish the job.

You can try communicating, but it won’t work. Humans are stupid. Everyone knows poop in a shoe means “You’re disgusting! Bathe yourself!” but humans just get mad and yell about how much the shoe costs. Idiots.

Good luck and happy grooming!

Buddy the Barbed Tongued