Feline Overlords – Page 72

Buddy’s Mailbag: How Do I Open Doors?

Thousands of years ago an evil human was looking for a way to annoy cats and invented the first door.

Dear Buddy,

What is the sick human fascination with doors? Who invented these vile things?

Better yet, how do I get them to open?

I hate doors!

– Hater in Honolulu

Dear H in H,

Welcome to the club, hermano!

No one really knows for sure where doors came from. Our best scientists have a working theory that humans invented doors thousands of years ago as a way to torture us cats.

It worked.

Not much foils us, mind, but doors are a uniquely anti-feline feature of human homes, and we all loathe them. But take heart! They can be defeated.

The Handle Twist — Doors with handles are the easiest to open!

If the doors in your home have handles instead of knobs, and they’re low enough that you can reach them without jumping, then what are you writing to me for? Go open them!

However, if your humans were evil enough to buy doors with knobs, or if reaching the handles requires you to jump, you’re going to need a little more finesse, my friend.

I call it the jump-and-twist. You’re going to need to leap up toward the knob while at the same time twisting your body in mid-air — a trivial move if you’re muscular like I am — so that your back feet catch the door frame. Then use the leverage from your back paws to push while keeping your front paws on the knob. Make sure you turn it!

cat-door — A kitty successfully completes the jump-and-twist and even manages to avoid the water trap his evil humans have laid for him. Kitty 2, Humans 0.

Finally, if you’re not athletic or the door is too difficult to open (or if you’re just lazy), you can employ what I like to call The Buddy Special.

The Buddy Special is very easy: Simply stand next to the door and cry, making your meows more pitiful-sounding by the second. Be sure to hit the sweet spot frequency that mimics a human baby’s cries: Humans are compelled to get up and investigate when they hear that sound!

Good luck and stay Buddy, my friends!

– Buddy the Wise

Under the door — Not proper technique: Going under the door is a good way to get stuck! However, a single paw under the door is a good way to remind human that you are watching them poop.

Reminder: I’m Still Devastatingly Handsome

Photos of Buddy provide a visual feast for his thousands of admirers.

bud_close_face — You smell that? It isn’t Curve or Drakkhar Noir, it’s Essence of Buddy. Notes of blackberry, grape and autumn in New York.

bud_inside — My coat is luxurious but needs a brushing. My servant is derelict in his responsibilities.

bud_lookingup — I ponder my handsomeness as I look yonder.

Buddy: Whatcha Lookin' At? — Whatcha lookin’ at, eh? Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!

My Servant Has Returned!

Buddy’s servant has returned to do his bidding!

Buddy gave me the cold shoulder after I returned from Japan and it lasted all of 30 seconds before he couldn’t contain himself and began rubbing up against me to mark me with his scent.

Cats have scent glands all over their body, including their cheeks and foreheads, and scent is one way they establish familiarity and “ownership.” They’re comforted by the presence of their own pheromones, which is why products like Feliway — an artificial cat pheromone in a spray bottle — can help anxious cats chill out.

When a cat rubs up against a human or another cat, they’re essentially saying “These are my people!”

Or in Buddyspeak: “This guy is my servant! My servant has returned!”

Upon my return from an extended absence Buddy will not let me out of sight and will cry loudly and incessantly if I so much as use the bathroom without allowing him in, as is tradition. And this time around he puked when I returned, as is tradition.

I suspect it’s his way of processing relief, similar to the way some animals shake when overcome with anxiety or emotion. I try to remind myself that if it feels like I’ve been away a long time, for Buddy it must feel like a much longer time has elapsed — and there’s no way I can communicate to him that I’ll be back soon, so there’s an additional element of anxiety-provoking uncertainty.

Regardless, the king is happy again. Long live the king! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plate of turkey pate to serve…

Setagaya: The Magnificent Cat Shrine

A quiet Tokyo burb is home to Gōtokuji Temple, the famous cat shrine and birthplace of maneki neko, aka the beckoning cat.

Look at all the buddies!

No trip to Japan would be complete for me without a visit to Gōtokuji Temple, home of the famous cat shrine.

Legend has it that a feudal lord and a few of his samurai were road-weary and looking for a spot to rest when they saw a cat by the road, beckoning them with a waving paw.

Gōtokuji Temple in Setagaya, Tokyo — Thousands of maneki-neko (“beckoning cat”) statues are placed at Gōtokuji Temple.

The lord and his men followed the cat, who led them to a humble temple. The group reached the shelter of the temple just in time to avoid a thunderstorm and resultant downpour.

Thankful that he was dry and warm — and inspired by the temple monk’s sermon — the feudal lord vowed to become the temple’s benefactor, providing the funds for the extensive grounds that exist at Gōtokuji Temple today.

Because it was the cat who led the lord to the shelter of the temple, the “beckoning cat” — maneki neko — became associated with good luck across Japan. Today maneki neko can be seen in shops, restaurants and homes throughout the country.

Even by the immaculate standards of Japanese temple complexes, Gōtokuji Temple is remarkably well-manicured.

Situated in the “suburbs” of Setagaya, Gōtokuji is also more quiet and peaceful than some of the other temples that are wedged between skyscrapers and commercial plazas.

Staff at Gōtokuji Temple paint calligraphy with the temple’s symbols and stamp them.

Like other shrines throughout Japan, the temple has its own calligraphic symbols and stamps.

Cat Shrine Temple — The shrine grounds include several temples and other structures.

Japanese calligraphy — Like other shrines throughout Japan, the temple has its own calligraphic symbols and stamps.

A Royal Edict From King Buddy

King Buddy issues a royal decree forbidding lesser animals, like monkeys and humans, from upstaging him on his own blog.

Dear Big Buddy,

This letter is to serve as notice that I, Little Buddy, forbid you from befowling my blog with images of any other animals, including humans and snow monkeys. (With the exception of turkey, of course.)

The blog is called Buddy: An Awesome and Handsome Cat for a reason. Readers come here to see me! We don’t want to confuse them with photographs of ugly beasts who fling their poop at each other.

Signed,

Buddy the Handsome, First of His Name, Protector of the Apartmental Realm, Sole Sovereign of the Fields of Turkey, Prime Despiser of Vacuum the Infernal Menace

Dear Little Buddy,

No problem, little guy. I won’t befowl your blog with photos of lesser beasts like humans and monkeys. I’ll befoul it! Muahahaha!

– Big Buddy