thebigbuddy

Dear Buddy: Halp! I Don’t Want To Be Neutered!

Dear Buddy,

My human has me scheduled to go to the vet for neutering on May 12, and the dreaded day is fast approaching. I’m terrified! I don’t want to be neutered! Help me please, how do I get out of this nightmare?

Terrified in Texas

Dear Terrified in Texas,

What the hell are you talking about?

Buddy

—————————

Dear Buddy,

It’s when your human brings you to the evil veterinarian and they remove your balls! How can you not know this? You’re telling me you weren’t neutered?

T in T

Dear T in T,

I still have my balls. My favorite is green and fuzzy and I use it to play catch with Big Buddy. I also have one with little lights in it and it makes noises when I swat it around! So much fun!

There’s a catnip ball too, but the catnip is inside and I can’t get to it. That kinda sucks. Tell your human not to take away your toys.

Buddy

—————————-

Dear Buddy,

No, you moron! Your balls! As in testicles! They cut them! It hurts just thinking about it!

T in T

—————————-

Dear T in T,

Hey now! No need for name calling. Who is Testicles? Was he friends with Achilles and Socrates? And what does this have to do with balls?

If you’re gonna write in and ask my advice, the least you can do is make sense!

Buddy

(The great warrior Testicles led the Spartans alongside Leonidas and the 300 legendary cats who fought a million-strong dog army in Thermopylae Alley. To this day, poets sing songs of Testicles and his bravery.)

—————————

Dear Buddy,

I suggest you go and ask your beloved Big Buddy what happened the first time you went to the veterinarian. Make sure your claws are extra sharp before you have that conversation. You’ll thank me later.

T in T

(King Leonidas — er, Leokittiness — image courtesy of CollageOrama.)

Dear Buddy : How Do I Push Kitty Crack On High-Class Felines?

Never, ever deal to Siamese. They never shut up, and before you know it they’re blabbing your name to everyone.

Dear Buddy,

Catnip is incredibly lucrative, and in one year my new operation has expanded to a 20-cat organization slinging six pounds of the green gold per week to kitties in my neighborhood. I control all the colonies and clowders, and I have connections into the shelter system who deal exclusively to cats on the inside.

Now I’m looking to expand, but I don’t know where to go. As an OG niplord who practically invented the game, what do you think?

Respect,

Niplord in New York

Dear Niplord in New York,

I’m glad the youngins know my name and know of the path I blazed slingin’ that funky feline product. My empire was vast, I ate only the finest turkey and my human was none the wiser.

Now, to the matter at paw: You need to find a way into the suburbs. That’s where the real money is, dealing high-grade nip to high-class cats like those Persians, Abyssinians, Russian Blues and Turkish Angoras.

Do not, no matter how much money you think is on the table, ever deal to Siamese. They never shut up, and before you know it they’re blabbing your name to everyone, until officers from animal control are on your tail. Don’t sling to the Siamese!

The best way to get an in to the suburbs is to attend fancy feline soirees, the kind where those dainty Burmillas mix with the Angoras and pâté is served on silver plates, not in bowls.

Notice something about that group? Yep. They’re all white, which means you can jack up the prices and Five-Oh mostly leaves their neighborhoods alone. In the white neighborhoods, the kitty crack is sold in extravagant houses, not street corners.

But remember, you can’t show up at one of those lavish dinner parties talking street, son. Work on an appropriate accent, and give yourself a credible backstory so your new clientele believe you come from meowney. During my day I spoke with a convincing British accent, and told cats I was a British shorthair. They joke’s on them, ’cause they got played by a “common” American domestic shorthair. Fools.

Just remember to play it cool and never sample your own product.

Buddy out.

Fat Tony, RIP, controlled vast amounts of territory in Queens and Brooklyn before he was taken out in a hit by Los Gatos. The nip trade is lucrative, but it’s also dangerous.

If Catnip Is To Cats As Marijuana Is To Humans, Why’s It Legal?

Catnip isn’t illegal because the market would simply move underground under the control of the Gatos Gangs.

No one wants to see a revival of the bloody turf wars that resulted from the last time crusading politicians classified “the nip” as a Schedule I controlled substance.

The days of illegality were marked by brutal violence at the paws of niplords like Avon Meowsdale and Pawblo Escobar, who controlled the public housing towers and street corners with an iron claw, dispatching armies of furry minions to push that kitty crack.

It all seems like a joke until you slow-roll through the neighborhood and watch previously respectable cats splayed out on the sidewalks, twitching and drooling, dispatched by that foul weed to a world where neurons fire in poultry flavors and every object is a ball of yarn just waiting to be unraveled.

If your cat has been addicted to the nip, you’ll know the signs.

Medicine cabinets, pantries and kitchen cupboards sloppily rummaged through by shaking paws.

Oregano bottles left half-empty because your cat gorged himself on the herb until he realized he wasn’t getting high.

Globs of half-digested kibble upchucked in corners and closets by your withdrawal-stricken, sweat-matted kitty.

Cans of expensive cat food vanishing overnight, used as currency to purchase “can bags” of the insidious perennial.

Cat condos, toys and scratchers suddenly disappearing, pawned by desperate kitties who just need to “get well one last time.”

In short, illegal catnip turns our beloved felines into criminals who stalk the seedy underbellies of our cities, padding to all sorts of unsavory locations in pursuit of a fix. It empowers gangs like The Gatos and fuels feline criminal empires, which in turn leads to savage turf wars.

When veterinary clinics were filled to capacity with the victims of the brutal catnip wars, it was a wake-up call. Even kittens were caught up in the crossfire and recruited by The Gatos to serve as look-outs and runners.

Nowadays catnip is a strictly regulated yet legal market controlled by the likes of Jackson Galaxy and the Meowijuana Company instead of The Gatos. The world is a better place for it.

(Source: Cats On Catnip by Andrew Martilla)

(Above: My Buddy high AF under the influence of potent Meowijuana.)

Dear Buddy: Should I Groom My Human?

My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane.

Dear Buddy,

My human doesn’t groom herself and it’s very distressing to me. She has so much hair yet not once have I seen her licking her paws and rubbing them through her mane. This is getting to be a bit much: I already catch dinner since she is inept at hunting, but she doesn’t appreciate that. I brought her a nice juicy mouse, but she freaked out and threw it away! No appreciation, I tell ya…

Anyways, what should I do about the grooming?

Hygienic in Hawaii

Dear Hygienic in Hawaii,

I’m glad you wrote to me, because this is an ongoing problem with humans! I own a male human and have tried to teach him how to groom himself to no avail.

What I recommend you do is wait until your human is asleep. That’s what I do. When Big Buddy settles down in bed I start grooming myself like I’m about to go to sleep, and as soon as I hear him snoring I finish up grooming my butt with my tongue and pad on over to his face. He has hair on top of his head and on his cheeks and chin, so I usually start with his chin and work my way up.

If he wakes up I just start purring and go “Meow meow, look at me I’m a simple kitty!” and he falls to sleep again, allowing me to finish the job.

You can try communicating, but it won’t work. Humans are stupid. Everyone knows poop in a shoe means “You’re disgusting! Bathe yourself!” but humans just get mad and yell about how much the shoe costs. Idiots.

Good luck and happy grooming!

Buddy the Barbed Tongued

Did Someone Say Turkey?

Welcome to Pain In The Bud, a new blog dedicated to Buddy the Cat! Approximately 99.5% of the content will be about turkey.

Welcome to Buddy’s new home on teh interwebs.

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
— Sigmund Freud

budhanging2

As you can see, we’re just getting started.

Thanks to everyone who has followed Buddy over from the old blog. It’s long past due for the little guy to get a site of his very own and since he has a vague sense that people on the magic glowing rectangle like to read about him, he’s been bugging me to create a space where it’s all Buddy, all the time.

I don’t have any set-in-stone plans for this blog, but we’ll probably bring back the regular features:

Dear Buddy: An Advice Column for Cats: Felines around the world write to Buddy for advice. Why they’d do that is anyone’s guess, but little man will continue to dispense his, uh, wisdom.
Unused Audio Commentary: Big Buddy and Little Buddy watch movies and record their own special audio commentary.
Photos of Buddy: No Buddy blog would be complete without photos to show off how muscular and ripped he thinks he is.
Buddy Noir: Stories about Buddy’s secret life as a narcotics kingpin controlling the flow of catnip into the New York City area. It’s hard out there for a fat cat slingin’ The Nip.
Royal pronouncements from His Grace King Buddy.
Turkey: Every day is Thanksgiving for Buddy!

And of course I hope to be inspired and write posts about what it’s like to live with the little tyrant as his loyal servant.

Please send me feedback! If you have any suggestions for the site, ideas for posts or general questions, drop me a line using the contact form.

Thanks for reading!