It’s that time of year when we celebrate a Festivus for the Rest of Us!
As seasoned Festivus pros know, the holiday falls on Dec. 23 and eschews the commercialism that’s taken over the season. Instead of a tree or a menorah, Festivus decorating consists of a single unadorned pole. In the words of founder Frank Costanza: “I find tinsel distracting.”
At the Festivus gathering, family and friends get together for a meal, which ends with the Airing of Grievances, in which you tell your loved ones all the ways they’ve disappointed you over the past year.
“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people,” Frank Costanza said during Festivus 1997, “and now you’re gonna hear about it!”
So we’ll hand it over to Little Bud for his grievances:
To Big Buddy: Ten Christmases! Ten, and still no Roomba! You, sir, are a man of empty promises and crushed dreams. Year after year I made my Christmas list, and I remind you of all the ways I’ve been a good boy. I don’t go on the counter tops, ever. I leave the Christmas tree alone. And when I smack you in the face to wake you up, I don’t smack you too hard. What else do I need to do?
The Pirates of Somalia: I thought we had something, guys! Aye, some of me best memories are of sailing the high seas with me mates, looking for plunder on cargo and cruise ships. I didn’t even get a Christmas card from you this year!
The Jaguars of Amazonia: You guys are my true homies! You welcomed me with open paws. We hunted together, we napped together, we took ayahuasca and ran around the jungle hallucinating giant turkeys. You even made me an honorary jaguar and named me Kinich Bajo, or “Tiny sun-eyed one.” And you sure do know how to provide muscle! Every cat and dog for 15 miles is scared of me because I roll with you. I love you guys!
The Tigers of the Bronx Zoo: I offered a paw in friendship, and what did you do? You let one of your females abduct me and take me back to her cave, where she treated me like one of her cubs and bathed me in her saliva. It was horrible! Do you know how many actual baths it took to get rid of the stink? I still have PTSD!
The Readers of PITB: Maybe I’m mistaken, but it feels like you don’t tell me how charming and awesome I am as much as you used to.
Smudge from Apartment 1S: You, sir, are pushing your luck. This floor isn’t big enough for the two of us, and at some point there’s going to be a reckoning. You should be really scared.
Pain In The Bud 
Little Bud, Ariel wants me to tell you that you are the shining star in our cyber-firmament. We are in awe!
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A shining star! Little Buddy’s head is gonna get even bigger. Happy Festivus to you and Ariel!
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You guys will love our tree, then. It’s minimalist but chic.
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It’s Festivus-worthy, then!
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Charming and awesome, charming and awesome, charming and awesome, charming and awesome… How’s that, Buddy?
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He says he’s always liked you lol. Merry Christmas, Molly!
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The feeling is mutual.
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We definitely think you look Roomba-worthy. Does your human stay signed in to Amazon? You can correct the situation yourself. Purrs, Snoops and Sgt Stripes
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Yes, he’s sneaky like that and is not above using Amazon to get toys and turkey. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you, Snoops and Sgt. Stripes!
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A very belated Happy Festive Festivus to Buddy & yourself! We are both so very appreciative of you both all year long! Especially today both Oreo & myself need Buddy to know he’s handsome, slim, manly, full of muscles & adored by both Oreo cat & myself. We’re a regular fan girl & boy team! I hope you had a wonderful day & continue to have a wonderful holiday season to come! 👣🐾🐾
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Thanks, Deborah! A second Festivus post is pending, based on Rand Paul’s annual Festivus Report on wasteful government spending. There are some horrifying things in there about NIH and DARPA experiments on cats. I didn’t want to post too many upsetting things at once though.
Please give Oreo a scratch for me!
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It’s insane how many awful things we hear about cats. Sometimes it’s you that’s the messenger, but please know that I can’t imagine that anyone who reads you ever blames you for the reporting the news. I guess you’re right though. Somethings are easier to digest in small doses. Best Always 👣🐾🐾
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I try to stick with a standard for writing about this stuff. Either the story has to help illustrate a larger trend, or there’s an opportunity to directly impact a situation.
So if there’s a danger to cats people should know about, that’s a valid reason to post about it here. Likewise, if a delivery driver steals someone’s cat or police are looking for help trying to track down someone who killed a cat, that’s valid too because it helps to spread the word.
The NIH stuff is directly relevant because our tax dollars are funding it, and people should definitely know.
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