Dear Buddy,

My human has me scheduled to go to the vet for neutering on May 12, and the dreaded day is fast approaching. I’m terrified! I don’t want to be neutered! Help me please, how do I get out of this nightmare?

Terrified in Texas

Dear Terrified in Texas,

What the hell are you talking about?

Buddy

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Dear Buddy,

It’s when your human brings you to the evil veterinarian and they remove your balls! How can you not know this? You’re telling me you weren’t neutered?

T in T

Dear T in T,

I still have my balls. My favorite is green and fuzzy and I use it to play catch with Big Buddy. I also have one with little lights in it and it makes noises when I swat it around! So much fun!

There’s a catnip ball too, but the catnip is inside and I can’t get to it. That kinda sucks. Tell your human not to take away your toys.

Buddy

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Dear Buddy,

No, you moron! Your balls! As in testicles! They cut them! It hurts just thinking about it!

T in T

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Dear T in T,

Hey now! No need for name calling. Who is Testicles? Was he friends with Achilles and Socrates? And what does this have to do with balls?

If you’re gonna write in and ask my advice, the least you can do is make sense!

Buddy

(The great warrior Testicles led the Spartans alongside Leonidas and the 300 legendary cats who fought a million-strong dog army in Thermopylae Alley. To this day, poets sing songs of Testicles and his bravery.)

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Dear Buddy,

I suggest you go and ask your beloved Big Buddy what happened the first time you went to the veterinarian. Make sure your claws are extra sharp before you have that conversation. You’ll thank me later.

T in T

(King Leonidas — er, Leokittiness — image courtesy of CollageOrama.)